She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was confusing and full of hummus
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
