Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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