well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
