I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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