Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
