Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So squirting runs in the family.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
