i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
