So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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