I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
