I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
