So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
