Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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