Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
