my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
