I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
God, I missed his penis.
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