if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
