Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
