my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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