did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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