Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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