At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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