I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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