I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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