the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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