i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
