If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
