My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
