Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
