I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
