I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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