I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
