I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Are we still banned from the library?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
