she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
