Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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