My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
