Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
