that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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