I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
