my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
