when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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