every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
