Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
