we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.