the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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