I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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