i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
