ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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