I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
