you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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