I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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