I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
