Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
