I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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