Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
