Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize