I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
