Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
